Cut Open: chapter one

It was a stormy night, non like any other. Lightening spit across the blackened sky as thunder roared like a man eating lion. The clouds moved rapidly through the sky as if trying to run away from something. The rain poured down from the heavens above, the tears of a thousand angels. The rain was coming down like nothing I have ever seen before. The only good thing about this weather, is that it's perfect weather for what I am about to do.  

As I walk into my room I lock the door behind me. Slowly I walk in front of a mirror on top of my dresser, and underneath it I grab a knife. Not just an ordinary knife, but a meat cutting knife. One that can rip through flesh very easily without force. I've used this knife so many times I'm surprised it's still as sharp as it is.slowly I raise my head, looking at myself in the mirror and wondering if I should really do this. I finally decided that I would. I took the knife and looked down at my wrist. I could clearly see the veins, the veins in which I would soon cut open.  

I softly place the knifes sharp edge onto the bare skin of my wrist, not wanting to puncher it just yet. But to figure out where I wanted to cut. Slowly I took a deep, long breath, and then finally I rip through my skin.  

The knifes blade ripped trough my skin as if it was tissue paper, going deeper and deeper into my wrist. Without noticing at first, blood was everywhere. The warm, red liquid spurted from my wrist like a river. Falling onto the carpet, and slowly sliding it's way down my arm. I didn't know why but this cut was deeper and more painful than the others.  

*scrape*  

"Ahhh!.....ouch, mother fuc-"  

"Alex? Are you alright, why is the door locked?" my mother shouted. She's at the door!? Shit!  

"Yeah, I'm okay. I just stubbed my toe." I shouted back, lying through my teeth.  

"Oh, okay well don't do that." She said, walking away from the door and heading down stairs.  

*sigh* "Why in the he'll did this hur-oh shit." I said removing the knife from my wrist. Oh no. Damn it! God fucking damn it!  

After removing the knife from my wrist I eminently dropped the knife and fell to the floor. Sitting up on my knees and holding my wrist, I looked at how bad this injury really was. Flesh was torn from my wrist and blood was pouring out from the wound. I could hardly see how bad the cut was because of how much blood was flowing out.  

I quickly got up and ran into the bathroom.  

"Where the hell...where the hell is it!?" I yelled, "where is the first aid kit?" damn it. I decided that I would improvise and look for the first aid kit later after I washed off all of this blood.  

Without thinking I turned the faucet on and put my whole wrist directly underneath it. Cold water directly hit the inside of my wrist. And finally hell broke loose.  

"Mother fucker! Damn it! Fucking son of a bitch!" I screamed as I punched the mirror in front of me and the wall behind it. I didn't care what my parents would say about my mouth, all I wanted to do was let it out.  

Finally I turned the faucet off, grabbed a hand towel, and wrapped it around my wrist. I started to cry, but the throbbing in my wrist calmed me down. I took a deep breath a hopped for the best.  

Apparently hoping for the best was the wrong way to go. Figures. I opened up the towel, and about puked. Tears overwhelmed my eyes and started to make their way down my face.  

"I did...that?"  

I couldn't help it, I automatically collapsed to the floor, holding my wrist up to my chest.  

"How did I do that?" I whispered to myself still crying.  

I looked at my wrist again, shocked at what I had done. All of the flesh was gone around my wrist, blood was everywhere, but it was still coming out. As I looked through the blood while dabbing it with the towel, I saw my bones. The bones in my arm were stained from the blood, but it was also cracked open.

"God damn it..." I whispered to myself, while laying down on the bathroom floor. Why...why do I do this...Starting to space out I heard a knock on my bedroom door.

*knock, knock*

"Alex? Alex open the door! Hey is my X-box game in there? Alex!" my little brother yelled. God why doesn't he leave me alone? He's always bugging my about shit.

"Go away Cameron. I'm not in the mood." I said not even budging from where I was laying. I looked down at my wrist again, blood was getting all over the floor. I'll clean it up later. Right now I just want to lay here, and pretend that I don't exist.

"Fine then...I'm getting Clair! Maybe she can get my game for me! Unlike some people!"

"Shut up Cameron!"

"Make me!"

Believe me, I wish I could. Just duck tape your fucking mouth shut, and knock you out. Wait...did he say he was going to get Clair? Shit! She's the only one besides me with a key to my room! Shit! I knew this would happen, but no she wanted the key so that she could get stuff from my room without bugging me. I knew that it was a bad idea, I knew it!Quickly I crawled toward my bedroom door, and sat in front of it. Ha now she can't get in.

*knock, knock, knock*

"Alex, I'm coming in." Clair said, putting the key into the knob. Shit! I can't let her see me like this.

"Don't come in!" I yelled.

"Why not?"

"I'm naked!" I blurted out randomly. Suddenly thinking to myself, 'what the hell?'

"Ummm..okay? Well get dressed I'm still coming in."

"No!" Right as I yelled that, Clair tried to open the door. Yet failed.

"What th-move Alex!" she said struggling to open the door.

"What, I'm not blocking the door. What are you talking about, you're crazy." I said, while laughing to myself.

"God damn it Alex, so help me if you don't open this door you're going to be sorry."

"Ha ha, what are you going to do, tell on me?" I said a little worried.

"Well yes and no, but I will tell mom and dad that you cut."
Slowly I got up and opened the door.

"How do you know that I cut?"

"Well for one you cuss a lot when ever you do. You always were long sleeve shirts and I seen you without your shirt....you look terrible. Cuts everywhere but mostly on your arms."

"Oh..." I said softly as if I'd been beaten in a battle.

"So may I come in and talk with you?" Clair asked gently.

"Sure why not." I said stepping out of the way then closing the door quickly when she was in my room.

"Oh my god.....what did you do!?" Clair yelled looking at the blood on the floor that runs into the bathroom then back out. Walking into the bathroom her jaw dropped. Slowly she backed up and looked at in shock then she looked down at my wrist.

"Alex....why...." She said tearing up. I slowly walked over and wrapped my arms around her also trying not to get blood on her. Slowly I ran my hand up and down her back to comfort her.
"I'm sorry Clair....I'm sorry...but I had my reasons." I said calmly. She glared up at me and pushed me away from her.

"What could possible be a good enough reason to be doing this!" she yelled grabbing my arm with the cut on it. " tell me Alex, tell me!"

*sigh* "Clair I don't really know how to explain this...." I said walking over to my bed and sitting down on the edge of it."

"Well you better think of how to fast."

"You remember Jenna?" I asked.

"Yeah, she used to come over on weekends and stuff. Why?"

"Did you hear that she died....a couple of days ago?"

"What?Oh my god, what happened?" Clair asked shocked.

"Car accident....she was the only one who got killed..."

"How?"

"She was in the passenger seat with me-"

"Wait, you were driving?"

"Yes, mom didn't tell you guys that Jenna and I had to go to the hospital?" I asked.
"No. But I guess she just didn't want us to worry."

"Yeah, well I was driving. And some fucking idiot hit us head on hitting my side because I swerved...the car flipped and ran into a telephone pole...killing Jenna....another reason that it could have been prevented is if she had worn her seat belt..." I said starting to cry.

Clair was speechless for about a couple of minutes. Thinking things over. Lightning lit up the room and the rain started to fall down and hit the roof harder.

"So, were you and Jenna dating?" Clair asked sitting down on the edge of my bed with me.
"Yeah, we've been dating for almost four years...." I said lowering my head and looking down at the floor.

Clair was speechless again she always thinks things over before she speaks and sometimes it's very annoying. But I don't say anything to her.

"I'm sorry Alex...I'm so sorry."

"Its not your fault Clair....it's mine...I should have been watching where I was going. I guess I was just to distracted by her. She could always light up a room with her smile. She was the perfect girl for me....she was my everything...and now I have nothing..." I said bending over and placing my head in my hands and starting to cry. I didn't care if my little sister saw her big brother crying. I just looked weak to her right now...but I don't care.

"Shh...it's going to be alright." Clair said rubbing my back and placing her head on my shoulder.
"No, everything is not going to be alright. Jenna is gone and it's all my fault!"
"God just wanted to call her home. She's safe."

"You believe that bull shit? That 'God' is real and that 'God' is that savior of man mind? What a load of crock! If god is real then way the fuck is he talking Jenna away from me! Why the fuck is he screwing my life up! Tell me!" I yelled standing up facing Clair.

"I...." Clair couldn't talk. She started to cry.

"Ugh!" I said walking over then looking at the mirror on my dresser. I quickly got furious with it and punched it. Clair jumped and screamed a little at the breaking glass. I punched it again and again, I couldn't stop. Clair timedly came up from behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist.
"Alex....stop..." Clair said in a muffled tone into my back. I couldn't help it, but I obeyed.

************

I couldn't move I couldn't speak...why was this? I felt useless...I felt cold. Nothing could keep me warm anymore...not nobody not anything. Jenna was the one, the one that would always be there for me. The one that I would propose to and the one that would live with me and have our children. The one that I would die with.....But now all of those doors to those chapters with Jenna are closed, and they can't be reopened.

Sitting up in my bed I start to look around my room. How did I get into my bed? And who redressed me? Probably Clair, she always knows how to take care of me, and even though she's two years younger than me, she acts like she's ten years older.

I keep looking around the room until I suddenly stop when I see a black figure on the ground. I stare at it for a couple of minutes until it finally moves. I jumped back a little but it turned out that it was Clair covered with a blanket. Why is she sleeping on the floor? She should have made me sleep on the floor.

Slowly I through the covers off of my body, but before I get out of bed I see that she forgot the put on my pants....smooth Clair, real smooth. Just my boxers, really? As I ignored the fact that Clair 'forgot' to put my pants on I hop out of bed and kneel down next to Clair.

"Clair...are you awake?" I whispered shaking her shoulder softly. No response. Great.

Slowly I slide one of my arms underneath Clair's shoulders and the other underneath her legs. Slowly and carefully I lift her up and walk to my bed. Placing her in my bed I grab the covers and pull them on top of her, tuck her in, and kiss her on  her forehead.

Quietly I walked over to where Clair was sleeping and  lay down. I didn't have the intention of falling asleep so quickly, so I decided that I would just lay here until I do fall asleep. Thousands of questions were floating around inside my head like, why did I do it? Will anyone find out besides Clair? What will my parents do to me, if they do find out? Will Clair tell on me? I didn't have the answers to any of the questions that I was asking myself. But I didn't know that if someone had told on me, or if anyone else finds out that I was cutting...well lets just say....

I'm screwed...